Firstly, a bit of admin (that I really should have cleared up yesterday); it may be the case that blogs for one day are written/published at on different days close to that day. For example, this blog is being written at 23:09, as I often find the late/early hours of the day are the ones where I enjoy writing the most. Due to this, each blog will have the date before the title in future, so you know which day the writing applies to.
Secondly, I have a busy few weeks coming up, including the Edinburgh Festival. I do not have a laptop, so from roughly 8th-16th August, I will not be able to publish a daily blog. On these days, I will type up something by hand, and type them up once I am back.
Now that's out of the way: welcome to my blog for 30th July 2014.
In this blog, I am going to write about being shy/socially awkward. I've been trying to write some stand-up about this recently, and I've got a few bits written. However, I'd like to write more about it, so I am going to write a few paragraphs about the subject in general - without aiming to be funny every 15 seconds, like I would be if I was writing stand-up - and see if it can spark any ideas by reading it back, or even as I write.
I was a very shy child. I really struggled with communicating with people; so much so, that I didn't say anything for 3 whole years. I can remember watching videos of when I was around 4, and my Grandpa was filming at our house. While my brother would grab the attention of the camera, asking Grandpa to film him making the toilet flush (6 year-olds are easily entertained), I could be seen running away when the camera turned to me, trying to hide, not wanting to be seen. This specific notion of being camera shy continued into my late teenage years.
The above photo was taken on 12th February 2010 (thanks Facebook). It is the first photo of me that was uploaded online. Four of my friends (Andy, Jon, Matt and Duncan) posing for a lovely photo - meanwhile, I am hiding behind the pole, not wishing to be captured. For those of you who don't know, I was born on December 2nd 1991 - so this was taken when I was 18. Yep. 18. It seems incredible that this was so recently (so much has happened since), but it was. This camera shyness mainly came from the fact that I hated how I looked. I was far more insecure back then. Nowadays, I am less bothered about my appearance, and I pretty much don't care about the aesthetics of people in general; there is still the odd day where I will feel down due to my reflection, but, on most days, I am pretty comfortable with my lot. I have plenty of more important things to worry and get sad about!
I was also really shy when I was in my teenage years; I can vividly remember every Business Studies lesson that I would spend sitting on my own at the front, with no-one sitting next to me, not saying a word for the whole hour. Across all of my 7 secondary school years, I reckon that I would have put my hand up less than 5 times to answer a question posed by a teacher. This was partly due to a trepidation about getting the answer wrong and looking like an idiot, and it was also partly due to the fact that I didn't want the attention of the whole class on me, even if it was only for 10 seconds in an hour. In year 8, our form had to do a play for an assembly; my task was to walk across stage holding up a sign, that made up half of a phrase. This was a role I was happy with, because I was terrified of being given a speaking part. I messed it up, though, because I was so nervous about simply walking across the stage, that I held the sign backwards while staring right at the floor. In year 9, I had a reputation in my form for being quite funny, so I was given one line to say in another assembly play. On the day of the play, at around 7:50, I told my Mum I was feeling ill. I wasn't ill. I was terrified. Terrified, of saying 1 word in front of 120 other people. So terrified, that I missed an entire day of school.
But then there's the other side of the coin; I had gained this reputation for being funny due to the silly voices and ideas I'd perform in drama, a subject I went on to do at GCSE. Although I didn't have any friends in my class, and I was often quite nervous when performing (and very quiet when not), I managed to get 38/40 for my performance, and my overall grade was an A. Also, at the age of 18, I did my very first stand-up comedy gig. On February 9th 2010 - just a few days before that photo above was taken - I stood up in front of strangers. Adults, who I didn't know, in a pub (a place I had never chosen to go into before). I told jokes about being a virgin, about being single, about being a loser. Those adults? They laughed. Before the gig, I was terrified, shaking, and saying to my friend Ruth who was with me that I wanted to go home. 30 minutes before the start time, I even said to her "would you be annoyed at me if I ran away from this?"; her response: "no. I'll be proud of you if you do it". It was a mixture of the fact that she, too, is a very shy, awkward person, and the belief she had shown in me, that spurred me on to do it.
How did other people react? Well, my parents....they didn't know. I had told them I was going to a friend's, as I was too scared about how they'd react. My other friends? I didn't tell them. The first public admission to them that I was performing stand-up was a video of a gig I shared in August 2012 (I'd only done a handful of gigs up to that point).
How did other people react? Well, my parents....they didn't know. I had told them I was going to a friend's, as I was too scared about how they'd react. My other friends? I didn't tell them. The first public admission to them that I was performing stand-up was a video of a gig I shared in August 2012 (I'd only done a handful of gigs up to that point).
It's interesting; nowadays, I am far more confident in myself, in terms of my ability to talk to other people, to make friends, and to do the right thing in most situations. However, I am still very awkward. For example, there are still times within the past year where I've been off to do a gig that night, but I've said to my parents "I'm off to see a mate", because I was scared of having to talk to them about it if it went badly; scared they'd disapprove of me spending my time and money doing something that doesn't always go well. Also, at gigs, people would probably not think I'm a comedian; most of the time, I sit quietly, reading my notes, sipping on a glass of water. In contrast, there are many comedians who play a game called "who can make the best joke/show off the most" before the gig begins. This isn't a slight at any of those comedians, not at all - just an observation that I am far more introverted than the majority of comedians on the open mic circuit.
It is now 23:50. Despite my statement earlier that I may finished some pieces after midnight, for this piece, I am feeling quite tired, so I'm going to leave it as it is for now. Over 1000 words in 41 minutes; not too bad.
There is no doubt literally thousands of words more I can say about this subject - including anecdotes, theories, thoughts about how I interact with other awkward (and non-awkward) people, how I have developed (over the last 4 years in particular) - and I will do so soon. For now, thanks for reading.
Tom.
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